Is It Too Late ?
Happy Old man
Is art your true passion and purpose? Do you ever feel like it's too late to start, or if you're anything like me do you think you should quit and do something else ? If you don't, well you are lucky and I envy your reassurance! But for the rest of us artist, who struggle with mental fortitude or existential dread, then look no further! We are brothers and sisters in arms! A bit about me. I am 33, I stay with my mother and I am currently pursuing 3d modeling and illustration as a career! Crazy I know, especially with AI changing the landscape of creative careers! But, I want to do it! I don't see myself doing anything else. I can't think of a single thing that gives me as much joy and excitement than picking up that damn pencil. Like other artist before me, I tried other things, hell I graduated with a degree in criminal justice and instantly wanted to vomit the moment I began to work in that field. It's kind of funny when I reminisce about that career path. I explicitly remember doodling in the margins of a notepad during important group meetings. The career path I was on, looked like I had, "made it", I had a government job with benefits and good pay. Despite these external indicators of success, I was met with feelings of despair and existential dread. In retrospect, I can see that the job was a bad fit. I quit the position within a year, I could no longer except the strain on my mental health. I realize that in my search for security and stability I only found insecurity and emotional instability. But it will be awhile before I could fully solidify that lesson.
After I quit my big time government job, I felt victim to the "hustle culture, 4 hour work week craze", and started an FBA business. I saw some success. However, it became unsustainable, and I could no longer afford the marketing. I meandered for a bit in a mediocre security job and moved in to my own apartment and lost it within a year. My job cut my pay and I could no longer afford rent! Forced to move back with my mom, I fell into a bit of a depression. I worked my security job until I could no longer tolerate the fact that I had to ask for permission to go to the restroom. Now jobless, I began looking for another job and eventually landed a telemarketing sales position at a huge financial institution. I began to feel a sense of hope and belonging, and was excelling in my new role! I was promoted in a matter of 6 months and saw a nice pay bump! Unfortunately covid hit.
My job sent us to work from home and my role had a slight change, my team had been assigned to assist clients seeking relief during cv19. While I liked the feeling of actually helping clients during a time of need, I wanted to grow my career and financial stability. There was a new position opening, promising a pay bump plus commission! Ever the bright eyed optimist I promptly applied! I saw this as an opportunity to move out of my mom's house and financially establish myself! This particular role was relatively new, being online car sales during a worldwide pandemic. Everything seemed rather promising on paper. However, In practice it was a disorganized stressful experience! The cars were often damaged, or not on location when the client was came out to test drive the car. These vehicles were primarily used for rentals, which meant that they will often times be late for the client who wanted to purchase them, a ridiculous business model! Three months after getting hired in this new role the vision of building financial stability quickly began to fade, "the powers that be" cut the pay and removed the commission incentive. It was happening all over again, the veneer of security was just an illusion. I decided to role with the punches until I could be transferred to a different area within the company. However, the role became increasingly demanding with no benefit, and my mental health waned. I checked myself into therapy and my therapist took me out of work for 6 months on short term disability.
Still in the wake of covid lockdown, I had time to reflect on the last few years of failed career and business aspirations. The one thing that had made me happy and fulfilled was art! Through all of those ups and downs, art has always been there as a kind of respite from the absurdity of life! I've always created, rather it had been drawing, painting or writing cringe poetry. All of these career failures had been an eye opening experience! I realized in the attempt to avoid the supposit insecurity of an art career I had only found misery and insecurity in what I thought was security. So what difference does it make ? Up to this point I've learnt that working jobs in pursuit of survival gets me nothing! To quote a deeply resonate statement from the late Alan Watts, "You'll be doing things you don’t like doing in order to go on living- this is, to go on doing things you don’t like doing. Which is stupid". I echo this idiom today. I think it would be absolutely absurd if I pursued a career in which, I had no passion or interest. This would truly be a Sisyphnian task, that will leave me as lifeless as Jack Skellington! I know that everyone's situation is different, so take what a say with a grain of salt. But if you don’t have kids or a spouse to consider, pursue your dreams. Even if you do have those responsibilities pursue your dreams, use your support system! Life is to too short!
"Learning how to live, teaches us how to die" - Seneca
